Stupid Movie Lines Read online

  Sexy female voice: The Hillbilly Hooker.

  Male narrator: She may have been poor white trash, but Fancy was her name.

  Sexy female voice: The Hillbilly Hooker is coming for you.

  Male narrator: Hillbilly Hooker—in color—admission restricted.

  Sexy female voice: Ummmm. Come on up and see me sometime.

  Promo for Hillbilly Hooker (no date)

  On Hip Sayings, Kung Fu Style:

  Jumpin’ wontons!

  Oriental hip guy (Victor Sen Yung) in She Demons, 1958

  On Hip Talk, Not So:

  Gee, Mom, you look real groovy. Gee, Dad, you look real beat!

  Preteen daughter in Boy, Did I Get A Wrong Number!, 1966, starring Bob Hope

  On Hippies, Capitalistic Plans for:

  Businessman 1: After we’ve grabbed a few Goldilocks boys and fixed them up with crew cuts, I bet they’d take to the hills.

  Businessman 2: And what about a few baths?

  Uptight capitalist pigs talking about the long-haired hippies in Riot on Sunset Strip, 1967

  THE STUPIDEST COOL LINES

  Juvenile delinquents, beatnik girls in black tights, wild-eyed hippies, and cynical ’80s and ’90s club kids or slackers are the purveyors of a particularly whimsical form of the stupid movie line: the cool line.

  Intended to serve as evidence of the cutting-edge nature of the film, these attempts at edgy realism are marked by the heavy use of (theoretically) up-to-the-minute slang—repeated as often as possible to bludgeon us into accepting their cooler-than-thou status.

  Instead, these lines remind us that sometimes it’s best to leave hip as a joint in your body. Dig?

  On Things We’re Willing to Bet Columbus’s Queen Never Said:

  Christy, what is this jazz you puttin’ down about our planet being round? Everybody hip that it’s square!

  John Drew Barrymore, paraphrasing what Queen Isabella said to Columbus, in High School Confidential!, 1958

  On the Future:

  The future is a drag, man. The future is a flake.

  Beat chick in High School Confidential!, 1958

  On Dykes, Jazzy:

  Girl: Don’t look at me like that. I can read your head. Dolly and Patty have nothing to do with thee and me.

  Guy: I don’t … I don’t wanna hear any more about them dykes. And if you don’t cool this lickety-split-talk-talk jazz, you’re gonna get my paranoid goin’, too, ya dig?

  Beatnik girl and boyfriend discussing two lesbians at another table in Once a Thief, 1965

  On Digging, Dig?:

  You know what I want to be? Nothing, you dig? If you can’t dig “nothing,” you can’t dig anything. Dig?

  John Phillip Law as a hippie in Skidoo, 1968

  On God, Cool:

  If there is a God, I’d like to meet the dude, I’d like to go hang out with him.

  Mickey Rourke as the biker guy in Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man, 1991

  On Hippies, Happy:

  Girl: What are we protesting tonight?

  Boy: I don’t know, but I bet it’s fun!

  Hippie protestors in Dracula vs. Frankenstein, 1971

  On Histrionics, Overwrought:

  Girl: You’re an animal.

  Convict: No. Worse. Human. HUMAN!

  Rebecca De Mornay and Jon Voight in Runaway Train, 1985

  On Hitler, Why He Hasn’t Been Revived:

  Hitler: Are you insane? I had nothing to do with it! It was Eichmann—und Goebbels.

  Doctor: No, it was you, only you! Doctors! Butchers and maniacs! Remember, der Führer—this is all in the interest of medical science. What’s the matter? Don’t you like my little maggots? Oh, well, I understand. Mother didn’t like them, either! Heil Hitler!

  Doctor (Veronica Lake), whose mother died in the Nazi death camps, killing the aged Hitler with maggots, instead of rejuvenating him as she was hired to do in Flesh Feast, 1970

  On Hollywood:

  Sorry about your dad, kid, but people get killed in this town every day. That’s Hollywood.

  Policeman comforting a kid whose father has just been killed by a mummy in The Tomb, 1985

  On Hoods, With-It:

  Mafia man: What are you kids? You’re out in space or something.

  Kidnapping kid: That’s right, and just when you get with it, baby, we change the rules.

  Anthony Quinn as the kidnapped mafioso and Michael Parks as the cooler-than-cool teen kidnapper Sureshot in The Happening, 1967

  On-Horns, Well-Hung:

  They may have bigger horns in museums, but thirty-three inches is nothing to be ashamed of.

  Author/hunter Gregory Peck to Ava Gardner in The Snows of Kilimanjaro, 1952

  On Hot Dates:

  Did I love you that night or was I just an animal?

  Barbara Rush telling doctor Richard Burton that he’s made her preggers in The Bramble Bush, 1960

  On Hot Volcanic Matter, Technical Definition of:

  Scientist: The source of our radiation pointed to hot volcanic matter.

  Explorer: You mean lava?

  Rudolph Anders and Tod Griffin getting scientific in She Demons, 1958

  On Hotels, Very Odd:

  Stagecoach driver: That place—Jamaica Inn. It’s got a bad name. It’s not healthy, that’s why. There’s queer things goes on there.

  Woman: Eh?

  Stagecoach driver: Queer things. I once slept there and not a sheet was on my double bed.

  Alfred Hitchcock’s Jamaica Inn, 1939

  On Houseguests Who Just Don’t Quit:

  It’s Mrs. Holden! This morning she was in her coffin in the funeral home and now she’s in my kitchen!

  Justifiably upset housewife in Gates of Hell, 1963

  On How to Distract Yourself from Smog Monsters:

  Great idea! We get all the hip kids we know and stage a party on Mount Fuji.

  Ken’s older teenage brother, planning a rock and roll party, instead of worrying about the smog monster in Godzilla vs. the Smog Monster, 1972

  On Humanitarians, Quirky:

  How could someone with such great ideas for humanity put an innocent woman in a pit?

  Janet Julian as the heroine to Stephen Collins in Choke Canyon, 1986

  On Humans, Typical Alien Thoughts About:

  These bodies are uncomfortable and fall apart in such a short time and their intelligence is low, but they do manage to enjoy themselves!

  Disgruntled alien who is occupying a human body in I Married a Monster from Outer Space, 1958

  On Hu-mans vs. Ro-Mans, Significant Differences:

  Great One: Earth Ro-Man, you violate the laws of plans.… First, you have captured the girl and not destroyed her … To think for yourself is to be like the hu-man.

  Ro-Man: Yes! To be like the hu-man! To laugh! Feel! Want! Why are these things not in the plan?

  Great One: You are an extension of the Ro-Man, and a Ro-Man you will remain. Now I set you into motion. One: Destroy the girl. Two: Destroy the family. Fail, and I will destroy you!

  Ro-Man (to himself): I cannot—yet I must. How do you calculate that? At what point on the graph do “must” and “cannot” meet? Yet I must—but I cannot!

  George Barrows as both the Great One and Ro-Man in Robot Monster, 1953

  On Hunks, Frightening:

  I’m afraid of you. I’ve discovered you have an exciting mind, something handsome men rarely have—and the combination might be too much for me.

  Career girl/virgin Maggie McNamara to playboy/art lover Louis Jourdan in Three Coins in the Fountain, 1954

  On Hypothetical Questions by Scientists, Intriguing:

  Would you allow me to come to your house and in your presence anesthetize your wife?

  Scientist to another scientist in Unearthly Stranger, 1964

  I

  On the Important Things in Life:

  The only thing that is important is the tattooed girl! We don’t spare any go-juice finding her. We don’t waste it anyw
here else. You cancel all those tractor pulls and all that stuff!

  Deacon (Dennis Hopper) to his followers, explaining that they must find the young girl with the map on her back in Waterworld, 1995

  On Indians, Enlightened 1940s Viewpoint of:

  I wanna be a lady. Will ya learn me?

  Half-breed Indian gal Jennifer Jones in Duel in the Sun, 1946

  On Infidels, Tricky:

  Sultan Saladin: May the seven doves rest on your shoulders.

  Sir Kenneth: Doves? Or vultures? You slippery infidel!

  Rex Harrison and Laurence Harvey in King Richard and the Crusaders, 1954

  On Insecurities:

  I didn’t mean that! Honest, I didn’t! Sometimes I get too physical; it’s a sign of insecurity, you know? Like when you knock down trees.

  Jessica Lange as Dwan, the lady in distress, apologizing to King Kong for hurting his feelings and his nose in King Kong, 1976

  On Insults, Bizarre:

  Why do you think you’re such a smoky something when you’re just nothing painted blue?

  Ann-Margret as the sultry, swinging kitten in Kitten with a Whip, 1964

  On Insults, Confusing But Catchy:

  Your incompetence sticks needles into the flesh of my honor.

  Frustrated bad guy Koga Shuko (Robert Patrick), to one of his henchmen in Double Dragon, 1993

  On Insults, Cool:

  I don’t mean to be insulting, babe, but I’ve had more action in a rocking chair.

  Young (and disappointed) intern/lover-boy to the doctor’s wife, Marian McCargo, in Doctors’ Wives, 1971

  On Insults, Devastating:

  You’ll wind up a shriveled-up old maid or a motel tramp!

  Attorney Jack Carson screaming at his former love Angie Dickinson, who has decided to leave him, in The Bramble Bush, 1960

  On Insults, Devastating Kung Fu:

  Damn you, stink man!

  English subtitle in Caged Beauties, 1988

  On Insults, Fishy:

  He’s a wily one, that ichthy-demon!

  Deacon (Dennis Hopper) to his sidekick, about the mutant human, the Mariner (Kevin Costner), in Waterworld, 1995

  On Insults, Fowl:

  Is my husband in your chickenlike arms?

  Liz Taylor as Zee yelling up to the window of Susannah York’s apartment in the psychedelic X, Y, and Zee, 1972

  On Insults, Intellectual Scientist’s:

  You’re so bossy you ought to be milked before you come home at night!

  Frustrated scientist Roy talking to the pretty Alice, who he’s eventually going to marry in Robot Monster, 1953

  On Insults, Stupid Tight Ones:

  You’re a sphincter muscle, Adam!

  Jamie Lee Curtis fighting with John Travolta in Perfect, 1985

  On Insurance Agents:

  You don’t seem to understand: I work for an insurance company. My purposes are ethical.

  Agent Lyle Talbot in Sea Tiger, 1952

  On Integrity:

  I may be a liar, a cheat, a drunk, and a tramp, but I’ve got principles.

  Joanna Cassidy as the university dean’s wife protesting her innocence in All-American Murder, 1992

  On Intelligence, Bureaucratic:

  From now on we’ll have ’round-the-clock patrols at all times!

  On-the-job officer (Kurt Krueger) giving orders in Legion of the Doomed, 1958

  On Invisible Boys, Why They’re Invisible:

  Don’t make such a fuss. He’s probably doing this just to get attention.

  Invisible boy’s dad to the worried mom in The Invisible Boy, 1957

  On IQs, Obviously High:

  Girl: I’ve divided boys into three types—the sweepers, the strokers, and the subtles. I’ll have to figure out a new classification for you.

  Boy: What’s your IQ?

  Dolores Hart and George Hamilton as world-weary teens in Where the Boys Are, 1960

  On Irony, Big Moments in:

  Newspaper headline: “Man Lives Through Plutonium Blast”

  Thirty-Foot Colossal Man: That’s a great joke, isn’t it, Sergeant? [laughs.] They call this living.

  The Amazing Colossal Man, 1957

  On It Never Happens Here, Only in Romania:

  This is America, not the Carpathian Mountains!

  Mad scientist (Whit Bissell), who is upset to learn that one of his “experiments” has become a werewolf in I Was a Teen-age Werewolf, 1957

  On It Sure Does:

  Sure looks bad for Dr. Sorenson and the Cosmic Man, doesn’t it, Mom?

  Crippled little boy to his mother in The Cosmic Man, 1959

  J

  On Jet Men:

  I’m a jet man, not a gigolo.

  Pilot and patriot John Wayne, when asked to seduce Russian girl pilot Janet Leigh in Jet Pilot, 1957

  On Jewish Words:

  Is “schmuck” a Jewish word? I just wanted to say something in Jewish to you.

  Lucie Arnaz as Neil Diamond’s manager, holding an agent at gunpoint in The Jazz Singer, 1980

  On Jody, Hot:

  This is the story of Jody … the kicks she digs … the swingers she runs with … and the special kind of hell she can make for a man!!!

  Ad copy for Kitten with a Whip, 1964, starring Ann-Margret

  On Joey Buttafuoco, Advantages of Dating:

  He loves me. We have great sex. And he fixes my car.

  Noelle Parker as Amy Fisher explaining why she’s with Joey Buttafuoco in Lethal Lolita—Amy Fisher: My Story, 1992

  On John Philip Sousa Marches, Very Sexy:

  If you’ve never made love to “The Stars and Stripes Forever,” you haven’t lived!

  Angie Dickinson, the unhappy, to Suzanne Pleshette, the soon-to-be-happy, in Rome Adventure, 1962

  On Jokes, Clever:

  Satori: I kept one piece [of the magic medallion] and hid the other where no one will ever find it.

  Billy: In Jimmy’s underwear?

  The enlightened Satori (Julia Nickson) having a discussion with one of the not-so-enlightened but good-natured Lee brothers (Scott Wolf) in Double Dragon, 1993

  On Jokes, Not That Clever:

  Woman: Are, or are you not, going to seduce me?

  Man: I are not.

  Frank discussion in Three on a Date, 1978

  On Jokes, Scrambled:

  Maid: How do you want your eggs? Poached, fried, or raw?

  Meade: Scrambled—like your head!

  Phyllis Diller and Bob Hope in Boy, Did I Get a Wrong Number!, 1966

  On Jungle Dates:

  Paul: Well, here we are at the Ketobe!

  Ticoora: The rest of the way should be easy for you, Paul. I’ll go back and wait with Dad.

  Paul: Oh, no, you’re not. I wouldn’t let you go back through the jungle alone. You’re goin’ with me. We’ll keep that date with your dad … together.

  Hero James Cardwell (Paul) and white-girl-gone-native Lois Hall in Daughter of the Jungle, 1949

  K

  On Killing Daddy:

  This is going to ruin everything, isn’t it?

  Heiress Meg Tilly after she accidentally kills her stepfather in Masquerade, 1988

  On Killing, Necessity of Life for:

  You wouldn’t kill anything unless it was alive.

  Robert Taylor speaking to Anthony Quinn in Ride Vaquero, 1953

  L

  On Lakes, What to Say When You See:

  Boy, pointing to huge lake in front of him:

  Randy, is that water down there?

  The Beast of Yucca Flats, 1961

  On Layoffs, When Necessary:

  When a man doesn’t know the difference between experimenting on an air force officer and a cadaver, I think it’s time to drop him from the team.

  CIA agent (Wendell Corey) discussing a problem in Astro-Zombies, starring John Carradine, 1967

  On Lazy Martians, Bad Excuses from:

  Kimar: Dropo, you are the laziest man on Mars. Why are you sleeping durin
g working hours?

  Dropo: I wasn’t sleeping, Chief. It’s just that I haven’t been able to sleep these last few months. I forgot how. So I was just practicing.

  Leonard Hicks and Bill McCutcheon as Santa-kidnapping Martians in Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, 1964

  On Leading Men, Swell-Headed:

  He’s Big Head Man, he is lousing around.

  Strange English subtitle in kung fu classic Close Escape, 1989

  On Leather Men, Tough But Sweet:

  April: Oh, Dusty! You’re an angel in leather!

  Dusty: Heh, heh. I’d look funny with leather wings.

  Gary Cooper as Dusty Rivers and Madeleine Carroll as April Logan in North West Mounted Police, 1940

  On Leave It to Beaver Moments, Martian-Style:

  Santa on TV: All this doll needs is tender loving care.

  Girmar: Bomar, what is a doll?

  Bomar: I don’t know, Girmar. What is “tender loving care”?

  Girmar: I don’t know either.

  Kimar: Bomar! Girmar! I told you not to watch those silly Earth programs. Now go to sleep!