Stupid Movie Lines Read online

  Martian children Girmar and Bomar (Pia Zadora and Chris Month) being scolded by their father, Kimar (Leonard Hicks), for watching Earthly TV, in Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, 1964

  On Leg Thieves, Common Retorts to:

  Bastard! You stole my leg! Give it back immediately!

  Man who keeps losing his wooden leg in the Indonesian film Special Silencers (no date)

  On Letting Off Steam After Being Fired, Scary:

  Ahhh. Royalty. Uh-huh. We parted friends. Eee-yah! Everyone already knows—box office poison. Heh-heh. Box office poison! CLASS … You’re class—you’re class. Box office poison. Eighteen years in the BUSINESS … Parted friends. EEE-UH … CREATIVE DIFFERENCES! [to her daughter] TINA! BRING ME THE AX!

  Joan Crawford (Faye Dunaway) destroying her flower garden with clippers after being fired by Louis B. Mayer in Mommie Dearest, 1981

  On Liberated Chicks:

  It’s Ms. Teenager, please. I’m emancipated, liberated, and highly skilled in kung fu.

  Young stewardess objecting to being called a “teenager” in Airport 1975, 1974

  On Life After Death, Moms and:

  If your mother were alive, she’d turn over in her grave!

  Anthony Quinn telling it like it is to John Turturro in Jungle Fever, 1991

  WHEN BAD LINES HAPPEN TO GOOD ACTORS

  It happens to the best of them—actors who, faced with a new mortgage on their seventh house or in dire need of a tax write-off, find themselves forced to utter terrible lines with a totally straight face.

  This may be bad luck for them, but it is a boon for the viewer—who can be mesmerized by the sight of Shakespearean actors declaiming about killer frogs, Oscar-winners emoting about chicken salad, and, of course, histrionics about wire hangers.

  These lines are so noxious they might literally poison the careers of lesser actors. Here, then, are some lines that packed large doses of poison, but fortunately not enough to destroy the careers of these famous lights of the silver screen.

  On Admissions, Shocking:

  We made love—even in motels, God help me!

  Richard Burton confessing infidelity to his wife in The Sandpiper, 1965

  On Wire Hangers, Final Words on:

  No wire HANGERS! What’s wire hangers doing in this closet when I told you NO WIRE HANGERS EVER!

  Faye Dunaway as Joan Crawford after finding wire clothes hangers in her daughter’s closet in Mommie Dearest, 1981

  On Bees, Turncoat:

  I never would have dreamed it would turn out to be the bees! They’ve always been our friends!

  Michael Caine in The Swarm, 1978

  On Scientific Dialogue, Great Moments in:

  Bzzz. Bzzz. Bzzz.

  Scientist Henry Fonda, trying to have a little chat with some angry bees in The Swarm, 1978

  On Life, Deep Thoughts on:

  The world is a strange place to live in. All those cars! All going someplace! All carrying humans which are carrying out their lives! … But life, even though its changes are slow, moves on.

  Narrator 1, the psychiatrist (Timothy Farrell), commenting on the passing scene in Glen or Glenda?, 1953

  On Life’s Little Ironies, Redundant:

  I’m hooked by a hooker!

  Down-and-out Tony Franciosa, realizing he’s fallen in love with streetwalker Gina Lollobrigida in Go Naked in the World, 1960

  On Life’s Little Problems:

  Daughter: I was in an orgy. I was a stripper. I was a streetwalker. Then in a motel a man tried to forcibly seduce me.

  Mother: There, there, dear. If you think these things are bad, wait till your children grow up.

  Ann-Margret talking to mom in The Swinger, 1966

  On Light Bulbs, Poetic Thoughts About:

  I’ve always felt that I had a light bulb–like thing inside of me and all my seeds were in it. If I ever let the wrong person in, the little light bulb would be jabbed, and broken! And all of me would pour out … and be gone! Forever! Oh, Billy, Billy, Billy. What am I going to do?

  Vicky (Elizabeth James), the rape victim, to her protector (and cowriter) Billy Jack (Tom Laughlin) in The Born Losers, 1967

  On, Like, Problems:

  Dad’s all torn up and Mom’s got, like, a harpoon in her neck.

  Boy explaining the problems with the aliens at home to the police in Critters, 1986

  On Like, What Does It, Like, Remind You of …:

  Well, the cross makes me think death, but the ivy is, like, sort of, the tragic and the hopeful, you know?

  Ivy (Drew Barrymore) explaining why she has a cross and some ivy tattooed on her body, in Poison Ivy, 1992

  On Lines That Are Tough to Deliver with a Straight Face:

  Kokumo can help me find Pazuzu!

  Priest (Richard Burton) naming the African healer who will help him find the Evil One in Exorcist II: The Heretic, 1977

  On Lines That Are Crocks of …:

  We had a crock of gold between us. His cock! And my crack! A crock of gold. More than love it was … it was a power!

  Frieda (Helena Kallianiotes), the wacky madam, talking to Gene Hackman the gold prospector, in Eureka, 1981

  On Little Boys:

  And what are little boys made of? Is it snakes and snails and puppy dog tails? Or is it brassieres! And corsets!

  Narrator in Glen or Glenda?, 1953

  On Little Sisters, Good Points About:

  I’m afraid the world doesn’t look at a sixty-foot man the way a sister does.

  Army officer (Roger Pace) trying to break some news to the sister of an unnaturally large man in War of the Colossal Beast, 1958

  On Logic, Colossal:

  Major Baird: That’s a big footprint!

  Dr. Carmichael: The foot that made that print is about ten times the size of a normal man.

  Major Baird: That would make him about sixty feet tall.

  Joyce: Glen was sixty feet tall!

  Sister of the giant man (Sally Fraser) and the authorities (Roger Pace and Russ Bender) examining a gigantic footprint and coming to some astonishing conclusions, in War of the Colossal Beast, 1958

  On Lost Loves, Great Memories of:

  We never did find the gold, but we had something better: my Jack had all the nuggets we needed right between his legs.

  Helena Kallianiotes as demented mining town madam Frieda, mourning her lost lover in Eureka, 1981

  On Love, Moving Descriptions of:

  Junkie: I feel like my teeth are hollow! My gums are made of rubber! My stomach’s trying to start a bonfire in the back of my bloody head!

  Cop: I think I felt that way once. They called it love.

  Vanity and Carl Weathers in Action Jackson, 1988

  On Love, Not Enough Pollination and:

  I’m fed up with being an undeflowered wife!

  Karin Schubert as a soon-to-be-dead wife complaining to husband (and soon-to-be-murderer) Richard Burton in Bluebeard, 1972

  On Lovers We Wouldn’t Want to Have:

  True love is what goes on and on, it never stops! Down and down in the water until you’re drownding [sic]. On the shore, in the sand, in the back of a car. Then, it’s on the bed. It’s an electric bed, isn’t it? An electric chair, as you would say. It’s switched on and neither of us can stop it. Shouting and shuddering in an electric bed on and on and on until you think you’re dead.

  Tracy (Theresa Russell), the dead man’s daughter, telling her husband what real love is at his trial, in Eureka, 1981

  On Love Scenes, Not So Moving:

  Frankie: Which are you, Kay? Girl or woman?

  Kay: I’d like to think that I’m a woman, Frankie.

  Frankie: Woman! Spend the night with me at Rosarita Beach! I think I’m in love with you!

  Actor-on-the-make Frankie (Stephen Boyd) and his true love Kay (Elke Sommer) in The Oscar, 1966

  On Love, Too Much Pollination and:

  Ever since we hit this town you’ve been living off me. If you think I’m going to wo
rk my tail off so you can run around with the Village chicks—oh, stop spreading the pollen around, Frankie, or else!

  Long-suffering Laurie (Jill St. John) to her love, the aspiring actor Frankie (Stephen Boyd), in The Oscar, 1966

  On Lustful Men, Bad Judges of Poetry:

  Kay: When the right time comes, I’ll be special for some man, so it’s worth waiting for.

  Frankie: Most of us have to keep grabbing what’s handy.

  Kay: Well, I’m not up for grabs. If a woman doesn’t treasure herself, how can a man treasure her?

  Frankie: You make my head hurt with all that poetry.

  Elke Sommer and Stephen Boyd in The Oscar, 1966

  M

  On Mad Doctors, Why Not to Get Them Irritated:

  I’d like to rip your —ing skull off, but instead I’ll make you permanently insane!

  Mad doctor to pesky patient in Hellhole, 1985

  On Mad Scientists, Dull:

  Well, as a scientist I am more interested in things with six legs than two. No doubt I am in the minority.

  Mad scientist (George Colouris) explaining his apparent lack of interest in dames to cop in Womaneater, 1957

  On Mad Scientists, Handy Rationalizations for:

  If this guy had been healthy, he’d still be alive now!

  Bruce Dern, the scientist, explaining things to another scientist in The Incredible Two-Headed Transplant, 1971

  On Maggots, Complicated:

  Doctor: You know, I’ve been working for years, developing, breeding, and conditioning these maggots.… They feed on human flesh.

  Nazi: Why must it be human flesh? Why not animal?

  Doctor: I haven’t got time to explain it to you now.

  Veronica Lake (the doctor) and Phil Philbin as the Nazi, discussing her new scientific breakthrough in Flesh Feast, 1970

  On ’Magination:

  ’Magination can get you places even faster than rocket ships!

  Dondi (David Kory), poor little Italian orphan in Dondi, 1961

  On Male-Female Aging, Similarities of:

  Girl: In five years I’ll be older.

  Boy: So will I.

  Cynthia Gibb and Burt Reynolds in Malone, 1987

  On Marching Spiders, Good Reasons for:

  Maybe it’s some kind of custom, like the swallows of Capistrano.

  Explanation of the marching spiders in the old cottage in Kingdom of the Spiders, 1977, starring William Shatner

  On Marijuana, How You Act:

  Faster, faster! Play it faster! Faster. Play it faster, faster!!

  Marijuana-smoking fiend to his piano-playing girlfriend, before he goes completely nuts in Reefer Madness, 1936

  On Marijuana, the Lowdown on:

  That was marijuana you were smoking—worse than cocaine. See those punks over there, Marge? They were high a few minutes ago, up in the clouds. Now they’re getting low. Pretty soon they’ll be mean, ready to commit murder. Marijuana’s called the murder weed. Don’t you ever touch it again.

  Actress giving another actress a tip in The Wages of Sin, 1938

  On Marijuana, What It Does:

  … hopelessly, incurably insane, a condition caused by the drug marijuana.

  The D.A.’s description of a reefer-madman in court in Reefer Madness, 1936

  On Marriage Proposals, Dud:

  Adventurer: Look, Erika. I’m pretty beat up, and I haven’t got much hair and I’m not too young anymore. What I mean to say is, well … I’d like you to marry me.

  Erika: It’s so difficult to think with so much danger around!

  Adventurer: Not for me, it isn’t.… Oh, well. I’d have made a lousy husband anyway.

  David Farrar as the diamond-hunting African adventurer and Taina Elg, Swedish bombshell, in Watusi, 1959

  On Martian Guys, Horny:

  Space officer: Well, what did you decipher? … Let’s have it!

  Space technician: It’s just three words.

  Space officer: I didn’t ask for a word count, just give me the message!

  Space technician: We’ve checked and double-checked. It keeps coming up to the same thing. The message is—“MARS NEEDS WOMEN!”

  Air force decoder to his colonel after deciphering a message from Mars in Mars Needs Women, 1968

  On Mary-Jane, Slippery:

  Slippery drinks for sliding girls!

  From Marihuana, The Devil’s Weed, 1935

  On Medical Speculation, Logical:

  I’ve never heard of a healthy person dropping dead just because he had the desire to do so.

  Suspicious doctor examining a body in The Curse of the Doll People, 1961

  On Melting Friends, What to Say to:

  Oh, my God! You look awful!

  Scientist to his melting friend in Food of the Gods II, 1988

  On Men, Odd:

  The men I see don’t want a woman. They want me to be a thing. They want me to be a pillow. Or a table. Or a pet rabbit.

  Sigourney Weaver as a high-priced hooker in Half Moon Street, 1986

  On Men’s Minds, What’s Always in:

  Mike: I kissed you. You kissed me. That’s affection, not carnality! That’s affection, not lust! You ought to know the difference!

  Connie: What do you call a man who thinks about nothing but …

  Mike (kissing her passionately): Human!

  Mike Rossi, school principal (Lee Phillips), and Connie McKenzie, widow (Lana Turner), grapple with each other and with Connie’s frigidity, in Peyton Place, 1957

  On Metallic Heartthrobs:

  It’s every woman’s dream to be rescued by a knight in shining armor—even if he wears it on the inside!

  Kathy Christopherson (Cori) discussing the metallic superhero in Guyver 2: Dark Hero, 1994 (which is based on a Japanese comic book)

  On Metalunans, How to Explain to Earthlings:

  It’s very much like the insect life on your planet. Larger, of course.

  Explanation of the eight-foot-tall “Metalunan” creature given by the alien (Jeff Morrow) to Earth people in This Island Earth, 1955

  On Metaphors, a Little Strange:

  You guys go out like crullers.

  Policeman-with-a-mission Robert Duvall giving a karate chop to a bad guy in Badge 373, 1973

  On Metaphors, Mystifying:

  I got knife scars more than the number of your leg’s hair!

  Not-so-great English subtitle in Hong Kong kung fu film As Tears Go By, 1988

  On Metaphors, New:

  Don’t be afraid of Lobo. He’s as harmless as a kitchen.

  Scientist Bela Lugosi to the trembling girl heroine in Bride of the Monster, 1953 (reportedly, Lugosi was having drug problems and refused to correct the line to “harmless as a kitten”)

  On Midget Cowboys, Shooting the Breeze with:

  Tex: Rustlers!

  Buck: They left in such a hurry, they forgot their branding iron.

  Tex (looking at iron): Cheap Work Pete!

  Buck: That’s the way I read it.

  Tex: Why, that low-down cay-yote!

  Midget cowboys in the all-midget musical western The Terror of Tiny Town, 1938

  On Military Questions, Important:

  Houston on fire.… Will history blame me—or the bees?

  The General (Richard Widmark) pondering in The Swarm, 1978

  On Military Reasoning:

  Scientist: It’s weird. Why don’t we see anyone? What happened to everybody who was hurt or killed?

  Soldier: I think I know what happened. Frankenstein got hungry and they were just available.

  Explanation as to where all the bodies went in Frankenstein Conquers the World, 1966

  THE STUPIDEST ALIEN LINES

  Aliens and monsters in film are often saddled with the most difficult task of all—to spout ostensibly threatening lines while parading about in a plastic costume … or (for the disembodied brain-type of monster) while floating in a glass jar or occupying an uncomfortable human body.

  To comp
licate matters, said alien or monster must also speak in a manner appropriately alien or monsterlike on matters uniquely alien or monsterlike. This becomes especially problematic in the films exploring the convoluted love triangles with hideous monster, handsome young scientist, and woman (typically in the requisite 1950s pointy rocket-shaped bra). A fascinating question about interstellar sexual practices inevitably arises: Why do male alien monsters so often fall for young 1950s women, instead of females of their own kind? The incongruities of, for example, a giant floating alien brain named Gor lusting after a big-breasted woman with pointy rocket-shaped bra instead of a cute female alien brain makes for dialogue that borders on the absolutely ludicrous.

  However, whatever the plight of the alien or monster, we can rest assured that—regardless of its form or interests—something monstrously stupid is bound to come out of its mouth (or gill … or temporal lobe …)

  On Evil Brains, Choosy:

  I chose your body very carefully. Even before I knew about Sally … a very exciting female.

  Gor, the evil alien brain who has taken over scientist Dr. Steve March’s (John Agar’s) body, in The Brain from Planet Arous, 1958

  On Robot Monsters, Fascinating Dialogue from: