Stupid Movie Lines Read online

  On the Future, Why It’s Important:

  Greetings, my friends. We are all interested in the future because that’s where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives.

  Opening narration delivered by well-known TV psychic Criswell in Plan 9 from Outer Space, 1959

  G

  On Gang Leaders, Uneloquent:

  Look. You’re gonna get killed, or you’re not gonna get killed. But you don’t know shit. You don’t know when you’re gonna get killed, or how you’re gonna get killed, and just shut. Shut.

  A Brooklyn thug leader known as the Prince (Norman Mailer) in Norman Mailer’s Wild 90, 1967

  On Getting Married, Points to Ponder:

  Sally: Will you please tell me what the good doctor meant when he mentioned your old VD?

  Bob: All right. If you must know, I did have it. But it’s no worse than having an illegitimate child.

  Sally: I think it is. Why, I … I’d sooner marry a leper.

  Couple in a doctor’s office finding out—among other things—that her illegitimate baby won’t have any effect on her new pregnancy in Because of Eve, 1948

  On Giant Apes, Unliberated:

  You goddamned chauvinist pig ape! … You want to eat me? Then go ahead!

  Jessica Lange as Dwan, the captive bimbo, in King Kong, 1976

  On Girl Groups, Insightful Thoughts About:

  You girls are nothing but meat up there. My girl don’t tease pud for no money.

  Frankie (Chris Nash) yelling at rocker-gal Julia Roberts in Satisfaction, 1988

  On Girl Scientists, Deep Thoughts from:

  Science is science, but a girl has to have her hair done.

  Heroine scientist Mara Corday’s final words in Tarantula, 1955

  On Girl Talk:

  Helen: I got a guy waitin’ for me.

  Neely: That’s a switch from the fags you’re usually stuck with!

  Helen: At least I didn’t have to marry one!

  Helen Lawson (Susan Hayward) and Neely O’Hara (Patty Duke), two actresses sparring, in Valley of the Dolls, 1967

  On Girls, the Same Everywhere:

  Twenty-six million miles from Earth and the dolls are just the same.

  The flight crew discussing the women on Venus in Queen of Outer Space, 1958

  On Goals, Noteworthy:

  My goal is the destruction of the last vestigial traces of traditional manhood in order to realign the sexes, while preparing humanity for its next stage.

  Raquel Welch as the transsexual Myra in Myra Breckinridge, 1970

  On God, Jive-Talking:

  Let there be some firmament. Let there be a whole mess of firmament.

  God in The Green Pastures, 1936; Rex Ingram plays the character known as “De Lawd”

  On God, Kinda Busy:

  I know how the people down there feel! And it makes me wonder. Wonder … about God. A God that hasn’t time. Hasn’t time to help anyone who needs Him!

  Liberace about to commit suicide by jumping from his penthouse apartment (he doesn’t) in Sincerely Yours, 1955

  On God, Sinus Problems of:

  God opens the sea with a blast of His nostrils!

  Old man, talking about the parting of the Red Sea in The Ten Commandments, 1956

  On Goddesses of Love, What They Say:

  I am not here for your cold roast chicken. I am here for your love.

  Venus (Vanna White) in The Goddess of Love, 1988

  On Go-Go Dancing, Intellectual Things We Didn’t Know About:

  Go-go is an art form. It’s interpretative dance with a rock ’n’ roll background.

  Christina Whitaker, Assault of the Killer Bimbos, 1987

  On Golden Opportunities, Mad Scientists and:

  We’ve got two perfect specimens: a retarded man who’s of no use to anyone and a homicidal maniac who’ll be dead in a minute anyway. Such an opportunity may never come again!

  Lab assistant (Berry Kroeger) who’s just shot the maniac on the steps of the lab, realizing that the lab’s retarded janitor is about to get more brainpower in The Incredible Two-Headed Transplant, 1971, starring Bruce Dern

  On Gold, Venusian Views on:

  So what is so different about gold? We have much here on Venus.

  Unimpressed Venusian gal Zsa Zsa Gabor in Queen of Outer Space, 1958

  On Good Excuses to Get Out of Storming a Castle:

  Oh, my stomach! It feels like there are beans in it!

  Peasant complaining before the assault on the castle in Barbarian Queen II: Empress Strikes Back, 1992

  On Good Ideas:

  She’s got two broken ribs, a broken jaw, and a bad concussion. We’re going to keep her overnight for observation.

  Savvy hospital nurse in A Kiss Before Dying, 1991

  THE STUPIDEST PROMOTIONS

  Pity the poor publicity writer. When faced with the daunting task of distinguishing his fifty-foot monster rabbit film from all those others out there, he must sit down and come up with the right words to attract viewers.

  This is no easy job. But the intrepid publicity writer with the nimble mind forges ahead—and often crafts a masterpiece of excess. Replete with dreadful puns, promises of graphic titillation, and (often) allusions to larger-than-life breasts, these stupid movie promotions certainly attract attention … although possibly for the wrong reasons.

  There is no such thing as bad publicity—or so the saying goes. This may indeed be true; however, we believe there certainly is such a thing as stupid publicity … as the following demonstrate.

  On Youth Aflame, Startling Facts About:

  STARTLING FACTS about modern girls and boys GONE WILD!

  And the lengths to which they go TO GET A THRILL! YOUTH

  AFLAME!

  This is MEANT to shock you!

  BECAUSE …

  It can happen to those you love!

  Trailer for Youth Aflame, 1959

  On Choppers, Punky:

  They were punks, stealing hub caps for kicks, and then they went after the big stuff. Easy money. They thought they were tough until … But wait! … You see this fuel-injected, hot rod picture yourself. They call them THE CHOPPERS. Lock your cars and come and see national Champion Hot Rods in THE CHOPPERS. It’s the most. It’s wild! THE CHOPPERS.

  The Choppers, 1961

  On Taste in Film Production, Great 1950s Moments in:

  Alive! He’s Buried Alive! You must SEE to Believe. LOOK INTO THE GRAVE! It Will Turn Your Blood to ICE—SEE—IN PERSON! Not a movie! A MAN BURIED ALIVE! F-R-E-E! “My Sin” Perfume to all girls who look into the grave and do not faint! (Ambulance on call for those that do!)

  Ad that ran between features during the 1950s and 1960s

  On Puns, Dreadful Moments in:

  See Jane Russell Shake Her Tambourines … and Drive Cornel WILDE!

  Ad for Hot Blood, 1956, starring Jane Russell and Cornel Wilde

  On the Swinging Sixties:

  Wild beyond belief. Human garbage in the sickest love parties. When they sock it to a girl, she feels it. Depraved beyond description. A new kind of abnormal love. Warped women, motorcycle maniacs, fantastic fights.

  Promo for Satan’s Sadists, 1969

  On Good Points:

  You’re only young once. And this could be that once!

  Bad girl (Anne Neyland) urging the hesitant hero to race in Motorcycle Gang, 1957

  On Good Points:

  I’ll tell you one thing. If that rocket comes down on a populated area … it won’t be good.

  Scientist in the giant wasp movie Monster from Green Hell, 1958

  On Good Points:

  Crazy or not, anyone needing drugs doesn’t send a monster to a drugstore!

  Detective in The Curious Dr. Humppe, 1967

  On Good Points, Heavy:

  When You’re Six Tons—And They Call You Killer—It’s Hard to Make Friends …

  Ad for Namu, the Killer Whale, 1966

  On Good Questions:

  Do Native W
omen Live with Apes?

  Ad for Love Life of a Gorilla, 1937

  On Good Reasons to Hate Monsters:

  It has destroyed my garden. I’ll never forgive that monster!

  Man viewing a devastated city in Godzilla vs. King Ghidora, 1991

  On Good Reasons to Study Multiplication:

  This chicken egg took seven minutes [to hatch]. The monster egg is equal to about a million chicken eggs. So if you multiply it by seven …

  A reporter trying to figure out how long it will take for the monster egg to hatch in Godzilla vs. Mothra, 1964

  On Gosh, Dr. Blake, I Thought It Was a Dog!:

  Dr. Blake: Did you know your dog was a throwback?

  Jimmy: Throwback? He’s a German shepherd!

  Dr. Blake and Jimmy (Troy Donahue) discussing the dog that has been bitten by a coelacanth and turned into a prehistoric wolf dog, in Monster on the Campus, 1958

  On Graduation Speeches, Very Cool:

  We can either get out there and make the kind of noise that’s going to wake this world from its stagnant slumber, or we can bloat ourselves like those who have gone before us on the synthetic pap sucked from the techno tit of those who will lead us to the tyrannical bullshit our apathetic asses sometimes deserve.

  Justine Bateman as the lead singer in the rock group and class valedictorian giving an ovation-winning speech at school in Satisfaction, 1988

  On Great Dermatological Moments in Horror Films:

  Dr. DeMarco is working on a silicon treatment of the skin which would make it impervious to micro-meteorites!

  Dr. Petrovich (Victor Izay) getting scientific in Astro-Zombies, 1967

  On Great Dialogues with Deaf Composers, Part 1:

  Don’t shout, I’m not deaf!

  Composer Ludwig van Beethoven (Albert Basserman) in The Melody Master, 1941

  On Great Dialogues with Deaf Composers, Part 2:

  Huh?

  Beethoven (Albert Basserman) proving that he is deaf in The Melody Master, 1941

  On Great Existential Movie Moments, Part 1:

  She: Let’s kidnap the bear from the zoo.

  He: The zoo isn’t open yet.

  She: The. Zoo. Is. Never. Open.

  Faye Dunaway and Robert Walker, Jr., as far-out go-go kids in The Happening, 1967

  On Great Existential Movie Moments, Part 2:

  Let’s rob a house so maybe I’d feel something.

  Too-hip Faye Dunaway as Sandy in the movie au go-go The Happening, 1967

  On Great Humble Lines:

  Aw, banana oil!

  Hero (Minoru Chiaki) after being praised by his girlfriend for defeating the monster in Gigantis: The Fire Monster, 1955

  On Great Moments in Dialogue:

  I don’t like the sound of that sound.

  Judy Robinson (Heather Graham) in Lost in Space, 1998

  On Great Moments in Poetry, Bartenders and:

  America, you’re just devoted

  To every flavor I’ve got

  But if you want to get loaded

  Why don’t you just order a shot?

  Rockin’ poet-cum-bartender Tom Cruise, delivering his message in Cocktail, 1988

  On Great Moments in Romantic Dialogue:

  Strip: I love you. Do you love me?

  Trish: Strip …

  Strip: You don’t love me?

  Trish: Oh, Strip …

  Strip: I’m not good enough for you, is that it?

  Trish: Strip! This is ridiculous. Oh, Strip!

  Strip: When you’re ready to admit you love me, you can have me, but not until.

  Trish: Strip!

  Strip (John Travolta) and Trish (Lily Tomlin) in love with wires crossed in Moment by Moment, 1979

  On Great Romantic Moments:

  George: You are more beautiful than the women of Thailand. More feminine than the women of France. More pliable than the women of Japan. More—

  Maria: Stop, stop. I don’t want to hear about all these other women. What I want to hear is that you won’t leave me.

  George: Oh, I adore you!

  Michael York and Olivia Hussey in Lost Horizon, 1973

  On Great Scientific Observations, Hollywood and:

  There’s nothing new in either a turnip or a cow, and either can be marketed and sold without being tested. So why should a few cows with a little tiny piece of DNA material from a turnip be any different?

  Fallon (Ned Bellamy), head of the government’s “Secret Projects” section, in Carnosaur, 1993

  On Growing Up:

  I’ve changed since we last swam in the raw, haven’t I?

  Trampy sister-of-the-groom Dorothy Malone to best-friend-of-the-groom Rock Hudson in Written on the Wind, 1956

  On Guts, Where Kept:

  He had the courage! He had the power! … deep down inside where you keep your guts!

  Ad for Iron Eagle, 1986

  H

  On Hallucinations, Rectal:

  What can I say? These little blue midgets come into my house and, ha ha ha, they … it’s ridiculous. They took me out of the house and they stuck a needle in my head and I had some sort of a rectal probe.

  Whitley Strieber (Christopher Walken), author, explaining to a psychiatrist what happened when he was abducted by aliens, in Communion, 1989

  On Head Questions, Clever Foreshadowing Moments About Later Guillotine Action and:

  I’m sure they’re there.… Oh, where is my head?

  Norma Shearer, looking for something in her closet in Marie Antoinette, 1938

  On Hearts, Talking:

  The heart has two auricles and two ventriloquists.

  Medical school professor explaining basic anatomy to his students in Perversion, 1978 (Brazil)

  On Heart-to-Heart Talks, Maternal:

  Now, Mike, let’s start with the drugs and work our way up to the kidnapping and murder.

  Worried mom (Arlene Golonka) having a heart-to-heart with her son (Mike Norris, real-life son of Chuck) in Survival Game, 1987

  On Heart-to-Heart Talks, Spousal:

  Trish, we’ve got to talk.… What about the pool filter?

  Estranged husband to Trish (Lily Tomlin) in a supposedly poignant scene showing their estrangement in Moment by Moment, 1979

  On Hebrews, Geographically Confused:

  We’re going to the land of milk and honey. Anybody know the way?

  A Hebrew, about to leave Egypt in The Ten Commandments, 1956

  On Hellcats We Don’t Want to Meet:

  SHE TOOK ON THE WHOLE GANG! A howling hellcat humping a hot steel hog on a roaring rampage of revenge!

  Ad for Bury Me an Angel, 1971

  On Helpful Giveaways:

  UP-CHUCK CUP: KEEP IT HANDY—it may be required on short notice during the showing of I Dismember Mama.

  Slogan on the side of paper “up-chuck cup” given to patrons of I Dismember Mama, 1974

  On Helpful Hints:

  You have to listen! You have to listen to what the bees have to say!

  Scientist’s main squeeze Sandra (Angel Tompkins) urging everyone to listen to the killer bees’ environmental message in The Bees, 1978

  On Helping Others, Handy Hints About:

  She was in great pain. Then we cut off her head and drove a stake through her heart and burned her, and then she was at peace.

  Anthony Hopkins reassuring everyone in Bram Stoker’s Dracula, 1992

  On High School, Final Word On:

  Onscreen super: In every school you’ll find.… The Gang.… They “belong” and the “stranger”.… He doesn’t.… Teasing becomes Torture! And Torture.… Terror!!

  Narrator: The Cool and the Crazy. The weak and the strong, the leaders and the followers, the happy and the dangerous … high school kids, the most, the real gone guys, growing up—hungry for excitement, and all kinds.

  Tough delinquent: Hey—you know what we need here, huh? We need some broads.

  Narrator: And because of women like those and their men-victimizing boys�
��trouble hits hot and heavy.

  Onscreen: EXPOSES HEP-CATS LIVING TOO FAST … TOO FURIOUSLY—“THE COOL AND THE CRAZY”

  Promo for The Cool and the Crazy, 1958

  On Hillbillies, Too Durn Cute:

  Mrs. Davis: My! You oughta see all them clothes she’s got. Would you believe it—three pairs of shoes!

  First Woman: Great day! What’s she want with three pairs of shoes?

  Second Woman: She’s only got two feet!

  Residents of Hillbillyland in Swing Your Lady, 1938

  On Hillbillies, Too Durn Ding-Dong-Dumb:

  What in the ding-dong-heckama-doodle hell is that?

  Farmer in Seedpeople, 1992

  On Hillbillies, Too Durn Expressive:

  Hillbilly woman: Some critters been gettin’ in here chawing up the hogs. Killed one of the mules, too, tore her head all up.

  Hillbilly man: Et her brain.

  Puppet Master II, 1990

  On Hillbillies, Too Durn Hot:

  Male narrator: The unpublishable novel is now a movie.

  Sexy female voice: The Hillbilly Hooker.

  Male narrator: The Hillbilly Hooker. Was she too old at fourteen?