Stupid Movie Lines Read online

  On Dialogue, Great Moments in:

  Sidekick: Hey, we know these guys! They’re the Lee brothers: Ug and Home.

  Mohawk: Huh?

  Bad-guy gang members checking out the heroes in Double Dragon, 1993

  On Dialogue That Fortunately Never Made the Bible:

  Aw, she’s lyin’. They’re Christians. Arrest ’em.

  Roman soldier in Roman marketplace in The Sign of the Cross, 1932

  On Dietetic Threats:

  I’ll cut your fats out, don’t you believe it?

  Subtitle, It’s Now or Never, 1992

  On Diplomacy, Great Moments in:

  Army officer: You’re doing what? Are you mad? You mean you want us to conduct peace negotiations with BUGS?

  Scientist: Either that or you can consider praying!

  John Saxon in The Bees, 1978

  On Dirty Old Men, Snappy Comments from:

  You girls a bunch of nudists or are you just short of clothes?

  Dirty old man to go-go chicks in Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!, 1966

  On Dirty Pictures, Crime-Producing:

  Show me a crime and I’ll show you the dirty picture that caused it!

  Cop about porno’s effect in The Sinister Urge, 1961

  On Disabilities, Pre-PC Days and:

  He’s tied to a dead arm for the rest of his life. A claw hand!

  Betty Hutton about maimed circus performer Cornel Wilde in The Greatest Show on Earth, 1952

  On Disembodied Heads, Conversational Openers for:

  I’m just a head out here. What are you in there?

  Bodiless head, sitting on a table, to mysterious voice coming from a closet in The Brain That Wouldn’t Die, 1962

  On Distinctions, Vitally Important:

  Just don’t call me a male stripper—I’m an exotic dancer. Don’t ever forget it!

  Male stripper Matthew Reed to ace journalist John Travolta in Perfect, 1985

  On DJs, Ones We’d Rather Not Hear, Thank You:

  Men have destroyed the roads of wonder and their cities squat like black toads; in the orchards of life, nothing is clean or real as a girl, naked to love or be a man with.

  Clint Eastwood as a cool-talkin’ DJ in Play Misty for Me, 1971

  On Doctors, Pretty Calm:

  Oh, he’ll be all right. He’s got a bad blow on the head, suffering from shock, mashed hands. But I can’t find much other damage.

  Doctor examining a victim of the rampaging giant sea creature in The Monster of Piedras Blancas, 1958

  On Doctors, When They’re Really Needed:

  Mr. Pleyel’s been murdered! Get a doctor! Quickly!

  The dead man’s secretary in Phantom of the Opera, 1943

  On Double-Dating, Literal:

  Daisy: Come on, Viv, we have a date.

  Viv: No, you have a date.

  Daisy: If I have a date, you have a date, too, my dear.

  Siamese twin sisters, powdering their noses in Chained for Life, 1951

  On Double Entendres:

  Aha! The Capitan’s blade is not so firm, eh?

  Zorro (Tyrone Power) taunting the evil Capitan (Basil Rathbone) during a sword fight in The Mark of Zorro, 1940

  On Double Entendres, Unintended, Part 1:

  Gosh, how one’s women do mount up!

  Andy Hardy’s (Mickey Rooney’s) last line in Andy Hardy Meets a Debutante, 1940

  On Double Entendres, Unintended, Part 2:

  My, what a big bat!

  Nervous leading man in Dracula, 1931

  On Double Entendres, Unintended, Part 3:

  How’d you like me to saddle up your old boyfriend?

  Hoyt (Troy Donahue) to Susan (Connie Stevens)—he means her horse—in Susan Slade, 1961

  On Dragnet Stars, Too Cool:

  Pete Kelly: Clear the place out. Get somebody to help bring Joey in.

  Club owner: What’s the matter?

  Kelly: It’s rainin’ on him.

  Jack Webb (as Pete Kelly) talking to speakeasy owner after his drummer has been shot in an alley in Pete Kelly’s Blues, 1955

  On Dramatic Moments, Driven:

  Lock the kids in their rooms! The car is in the garage!

  James Brolin as the panicky dad being stalked by a 1977 Lincoln Continental in The Car, 1977

  On Drug Addiction, a Thousand and One Helpful Synonyms for:

  Voice-over as a cool young girl smokes a cigarette in a police station: Hooked. A monkey on her back. Hophead. Junkie. Hype. There’s no shortage of words in the jargon to identify her.

  Narrator in the 1950s documentary Narcotic Story a.k.a. Dread Persuasion, 1958

  On Drug Advice, Very Important:

  If you flake around with the weed, you’ll wind up doing the hard stuff.

  Russ Tamblyn in High School Confidential, 1958

  On Drunk Jokes, Hilarious:

  Drunk: Say, what’s your name?

  Mary Lou: I do declare!

  Drunk: Clare. Oh, that’s a pretty name!

  A drunk meets Mary Lou (Leslie Parrish) at a party in Three on a Couch, 1966, starring Jerry Lewis and Janet Leigh

  On Dry Mouth, Mongol Rulers and:

  Temujin: I grieve.

  Kumlek: Already the Mongol whelp whines! Heh heh heh.

  Temujin: I grieve that I cannot salute you as I would … I am bereft of spit!

  Temujin (John Wayne as Genghis Khan) speaking to his archenemy the Tartar leader Kumlek, in The Conqueror, 1956

  On Dudes, Tough:

  The fastest, meanest, baddest mother ever to hit the big screen. He’s quick, he’s black, and he’s back. Get ready for the punchingest, kickingest, stompingest dude on earth. Right on! The movie that grabs you and never lets go.

  Promo for Black Belt Jones, 1974

  E

  On Earthquakes, Annoying Problems with:

  Earthquakes bring out the worst in some guys.

  George Kennedy, rescuing a woman from a National Guardsman who has gone berserk in Earthquake, 1974

  On Elvis Movies, Great Romantic Dialogue from:

  Cynthia: Mike, I really go for you!

  Mike: I’m just about to go for you!

  Cynthia: Oooh. I can hardly wait!

  Mike: If you’re not outta here in about three seconds, I’m gonna put ya over mah knee, I’m gonna paddle your bottom until it’s as red as that jalopy you’re drivin!

  Elvis Presley (Mike) and Shelley Fabares (Cynthia) in Spinout, 1966

  On English Kings, Why They’re Not Such Hot Dates:

  War! War! That’s all you think of, Dick Plantagenet! You burner! You pillager!

  Virginia Mayo as Lady Edith to George Sanders in King Richard and the Crusaders, 1954

  On Epitaphs, Clichéd:

  She didn’t die of pneumonia, she died of life.

  Jean Harlow’s agent, played by Red Buttons, in Harlow, 1965

  On Erections, Debatable:

  I’m erect, why aren’t you?

  Tony Moss in Showgirls, 1995

  On Erotic Dancers, Fascinating Dialogue from:

  Cristal: I like nice tits.

  Nomi: I like having nice tits.

  Gina Gershon and Elizabeth Berkley in Showgirls, 1995

  On Escort Services, Bad Nights at the:

  Girl: What’s eating you?

  Rita: The first night he’s home in a month and does he ask me to go out? Well, does he?

  Other girl: No?

  Rita: No? No is right. Instead he calls an escort bureau for a date.

  Girl: So? A guy’s a guy and a date’s a date. Who is he?

  Rita: Who is he! Who do you think he is? He’s my husband!

  Rita (Kathryn Keys) and her friends at the escort service get a rude shock in Escort Girl, 1941

  On Establishment Cats, Problems for:

  That’s why the establishment cats aren’t making it. They’re into that nine-to-five bag.

  John Phillip Law as a hippie in Skidoo, 1968

  On Excedrin Moments, Marit
al:

  Frankie: Hymie, get me an aspirin. My head’s splitting.

  Kay: And so’s our marriage!

  Frankie Fane (Stephen Boyd), famous actor who’s headed downhill, and his not-too-happy wife, Kay (Elke Sommer), in The Oscar, 1966

  On Excited Monsters, Strippers and:

  Let’s move further into the realm of horror. She could change her clothes in the twinkling of an eye. But no, there’s a man lying there—even if he is a monster. Why not torment him a bit with an innocent little striptease? After all, plenty of girls strip for middle-aged industrial magnates that are uglier than he is. And the monster gets excited—wriggles out of his bonds—breaks the ropes and frees himself. Remember the old saying—never underestimate the power of woman.

  Narrator, as the monster is strapped to a table while the nurse strips in front of him in Monster and the Stripper, 1968

  On Excuses About Your Sister, Stupid:

  She was only my half sister.

  Bad guy (Paul Smith) consoling himself after watching his partner-in-crime and sibling (Sybil Danning) die in Jungle Warriors, 1983

  On Ex–First Ladies, Hot:

  Jackie Kennedy Onassis character: You’re an animal! How dare you! You bastard!

  Aristotle Onassis character: God, what a woman! Let’s go and make love.

  Jacqueline Bisset and Anthony Quinn fighting in the thinly disguised biopic of Jackie O and her second husband in The Greek Tycoon, 1978

  On Experience, Last Word on:

  Experience. That’s what separates the girls from the Girl Scouts.

  Ryder (George Hamilton) in Where the Boys Are, 1960

  On Explanations, Insightful Medical:

  It seems the more he melts, the stronger he gets.

  Doctor explaining everything in The Incredible Melting Man, 1978

  Eyeballs, Interesting Observations on:

  Why, it’s not unlike an oyster or a grape!

  The doctor-murdering lunatic (Bill Woods) eating the eyeball from a tortured cat in Maniac, 1934

  On Eye-Talians, Mistaken Identity and:

  Sadie: Say, mister! Who in the name o’Jerusalem are yuh, anyway?

  Joe: Joe Skopapoulos.

  Sadie: Huh?

  Joe: Skopapoulos! Skopapoulos!

  Sadie: Whut are yuh—I-talian?

  Joe: Nah, I’m of Greek accent.

  Sadie (Louise Fazenda), the hillbilly gal, meets the Greek fighter Joe Skopapoulos (Nat Pendleton) in Swing Your Lady, 1938

  F

  On Fabric Metaphors, Great Moments in:

  Dad, quality’s a good thing in woolen cloth, but it’s very dull on a big date!

  Town rich kid Rodney (Barry Coe) complaining about his father’s ban on his dating the town slut, in Peyton Place, 1957

  On Faces, Dangerous Thick:

  Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.

  Chia-Liang Liu insulting his attacker, in an English subtitle in the Hong Kong kung fu film Pedicab Driver, 1989

  On Facts, Indisputable:

  Once they were men. Now they are land crabs!

  Attack of the Crab Monsters, 1957

  On Fake Philosophy, Fatuous:

  When the rabbit of chaos is pursued by the ferret of disorder through the fields of anarchy, it is time to hang your pants on the line of darkness. Whether they are clean or not.

  The Mysterious Chief (Roger Moore) making an inane (theoretically humorous) observation, in Spice World, 1997

  On Far-Out Chicks:

  I know what I want. No, I don’t. Yes, I do. I don’t know.

  Jacqueline Bisset in a “far-out” voice-over in The Grasshopper, 1969

  On Felines, Frisky:

  How often have I told you to keep that cat from desecrating my graves!

  Mad doctor Bela Lugosi to his assistant in Bowery at Midnight, 1942

  On Feline Identification Problems:

  Her: You never told me about cats!

  Him: I thought it was a tiny lion.

  Jennifer Beals (the bride of Frankenstein) and Sting (the doctor) discussing her cat allergy in The Bride, 1985

  On Females, Ones That Come On a Little Strong:

  I’m the kind of woman

  not hard to understand.

  I’m the one who CRACKS THE WHIP

  and holds the upper hand.

  I’ll beat you, mistreat you,

  Till you quiver and quail.

  The female of the species

  Is more deadly than the male.

  Leather-clad dominatrix Meg Myles singing a song in a nightclub in Satan in High Heels, 1962

  On Fights with Giant Spiders, What You Say After:

  Well, I’ve had enough of the unknown for one afternoon.

  Heroine Mara Corday after facing off with a giant spider in Tarantula, 1955, also featuring Clint Eastwood

  On Films, Tasteful:

  SCENES THAT WILL STAGGER YOUR SIGHT!

  —DANCING CALLED GO-GO

  —MUSIC CALLED JU-JU

  —NARCOTICS CALLED BANG!

  —FIRES OF PUBERTY!

  SEE the burning of a virgin!

  SEE power of witch doctor over women!

  SEE pygmies with fantastic Physical Endowments!!!

  Ad for Kwaheri, 1965

  On First Things First, Part 1:

  Let us eat, then we will transplant the brain.

  Dr. Frankenstein counseling patience to his assistant in Frankenstein and the Monster from Hell, 1974

  On First Things First, Part 2:

  Steve: Dan, we’re going over to Mystery Mountain.

  Dan: Not before we eat!

  Scientist and sidekick having a discussion in The Brain from Planet Arous, 1958

  On First Things First, Part 3:

  Well, General, shall we go to lunch or to the moon?

  Scientist in Destination Moon, 1950

  On Fish, Those Clawed Ones:

  It looks exactly like the South American fantigua fish—a deadly man-eater. It’s not the claw print of any fish in this area!

  Oceanologist examining traces left by the killer creature in The Beach Girls and the Monster, 1965

  On Flying High, Advantages of:

  Listen, everybody! There’s no limit to how high we can fly! We can dive for fish and never have to live on garbage again!

  Jonathan the seagull to his flock in Jonathan Livingston Seagull, 1973

  On Flying Saucers, Where from:

  Saucer? You mean—the kind from up there?

  Stunned wife (Mona McKinnon) after her husband tells her he has seen a flying saucer in Plan 9 from Outer Space, 1959

  On Food for Thought:

  Isn’t it strange how that lovely song reminds you of chicken salad?

  Aging spinster typist Joan Crawford to her young and loony lover Cliff Robertson, about the title song in Autumn Leaves, 1956

  On Former Presidents and First Ladies, Romantic Dialogues Between:

  Girl: What are you going to do after the war?

  Boy: I told you a hundred times.

  Girl: I want to hear it once more.

  Boy: I’m going into the surplus business. I’m going to buy up all the old mines and sell them to the man in the moon.

  Girl: But there’s no water on the moon!

  Boy: How do you know so much about the moon?

  Girl: I know a lot about it. I spend all my time looking at it when you’re away. That’s how it still is with me.

  Boy: It’s time for me to go now.

  Nancy (Reagan) and Ronald (Reagan) as the war-torn lovers in Hellcats of the Navy, 1957

  On the Founding Fathers, Nude:

  Father Nudist: All over the world, ever since mankind began, the beneficent qualities of sunshine have impressed the minds of men. In darkest Africa, all of the natives are nudists.… You’ll admit Benjamin Franklin was civilized.

  Reporter: Of course.

  Father Nudist: Well, Benjamin Franklin was a nudist.

  From Elysia, the Valley o
f the Nude, 1933

  On French Queens, Insightful:

  Young dauphin to his mother: They’re throwing stones! Why are they so angry with you?

  Marie: They’re unhappy, dear.

  Norma Shearer in Marie Antoinette, 1938

  On Frogs, Imperialistic:

  TODAY the Pond!

  TOMORROW the World!

  Ad for Frogs, 1972

  On Fruits, Delooscious:

  Camser: What kind of jungle is this?

  Kraik: I don’t know, but I could learn to like it. [eating fruit] These things are looscious.

  Camser: Looscious—you mean they’re delooscious.

  Kraik: What’s the difference? Either way, they’re tasty.

  Bad guy Sheldon Leonard (Kraik) and henchman in Daughter of the Jungle, 1949

  On Fun Talk in the Sack:

  Whitley: Say something dirty.

  Wife: Socks.

  Whitley: Come on, say, say erection. Can you say erection?

  Wife: I’ll never say it!

  Whitley: Ha ha ha!

  Whitley Strieber (Christopher Walken) and his wife (Lindsay Crouse) in bed together, in Communion, 1989