Stupid Movie Lines Read online

  On Come-ons, Terrible:

  You don’t look like my ex-wife at all. She was well-bred and rather frail, except for her famous mammalia. You look more like a cow than my late wife. Oh, no offense. I’m very fond of cows. Moooooo!

  Robert Mitchum to Liz Taylor in Secret Ceremony, 1968

  On Come-ons, Too Cool:

  Hiya, tall, dark, and delinquent.

  Blond bombshell Dorothy Provine talking tough to teen boys in the coed reform school lunchroom in Riot in Juvenile Prison, 1959

  On Comedic Moments, Flat Not Phat:

  Emma, Victoria, Melanie C., Melanie B., Geri. You’ve been charged with releasing a single that was no more kicking than your previous ones. Nor does it have such a phat bass line. You are sentenced to having your next record enter the charts at 171 and having it fall out completely the following week.

  Judge (Stephen Fry) sentencing the girls in Spice World, 1997

  On Communist Revolutionaries, Bee-Obsessed:

  The peasant is like a wildflower in the forest, and the revolutionary like a bee. Neither can survive or propagate without the other. There is one essential difference between us and the bees, however. In this hive, I will not tolerate drones!

  Che Guevara (Omar Sharif) to his ragtag rebel army in Che!, 1969

  On Conversations, Confusing:

  Woman: I guess even after you’ve made it, there are dues to pay.

  Man: That’s the nicest thing anyone ever said to me. Thank you.

  Non-sequitur dialogue between a woman and a movie star in Three on a Date, 1978

  On Coply Wisdom:

  After a psychologist says a murderer’s note doesn’t make sense:

  That’s because we don’t understand it yet.

  Cop to psychologist in Knight Moves, 1992

  On Copping, Cool Words About:

  I’m dying to blast but I’m clean. Are you holding?

  Cute coed (Diane Jergens) who’s looking for some marijuana in High School Confidential!, 1958

  On Cops, Great Moments in Forensic Deduction and:

  One thing’s sure. Inspector Clay’s dead. Murdered.… And somebody’s responsible!

  Police officer making an amazing discovery and deduction in Plan 9 from Outer Space, 1959

  On Cops, Intelligent:

  Cop 1: Did you get anything out of her?

  Cop 2: True, she was frightened and in a state of shock. But don’t forget, she tore her nightgown and had scratched feet.

  Cop 1: Yeah, I hadn’t thought of that.

  Plan 9 from Outer Space, 1959

  On Cops, Not So Bright:

  I’ll have to see him before I believe he’s invisible.

  Policeman who doesn’t quite know what to believe in The Invisible Man Returns, 1940

  On Cops, Philosophical Statements from:

  You may know about corpses, fella, but you’ve got a lot to learn about women.

  Policeman to morgue worker in Autopsy, 1978

  On Cops, Serial Killer Identification and:

  I tell you what it is, Fanducci. It’s a big guy in a bulletproof dog suit. I know a serial killer when I see one.

  Top cop Chief Richardson (Lawrence Tierney) to his detective, about a mysterious killer who rips his victims’ faces off and who is immune to gunfire in Runestone, 1990

  On Cops, Viewpoints About Genius Aliens and:

  He makes me feel like a moron—but I like him.

  Police chief (Kenneth Edwards) discussing the Venusian who has come to Earth to save us from our nuclear sins in Stranger from Venus, 1954, starring Patricia Neal

  On Cops, Wisdom from:

  The minute the doctor falls in love with the patient, he’s about as useful as a papoose.

  Policeman Thomas Mitchell, to the psychiatrist (Lew Ayres) who’s falling in love with one of his twin patients in The Dark Mirror, 1946

  On Cossack Predictions:

  The time is soon coming where a Cossack will have something better to do than carry horses around the house.

  One far-seeing Cossack having a discussion with his buddies in Taras Bulba, 1962

  On Costars, Helpful Definitional Moments of:

  Captain: Well, the magnetic field on the dark side could exert a gravitational pull, and, uh …

  Copilot: And that means that this is a natural decompression chamber, doesn’t it, sir?

  The captain (Sonny Tufts) forgetting his line and being helped by his costar, Douglas Fowley, in Cat Women of the Moon, 1954

  On Could You Repeat That, Please?:

  I am Criswell. For many years I have told you the almost unbelievable, related the unreal, and showed it to be more than fact.

  Promo for Night of the Ghouls, 1959, featuring Criswell, the TV psychic

  On Courtroom Defenses, Great Moments in:

  It’s not a crime to be a great lay.

  Willem Dafoe defending Madonna to the district attorney in Body of Evidence, 1993

  On Cover Girls, Final Word on:

  They’re Over-Exposed

  But Not Under-Developed!

  Ad for Cover Girl Models, 1975

  On Craters Filled with Bubbling Molten Rock, Brilliant Deductions About:

  This crater must be a lava pit!

  Time-traveling elder scientist Dr. Gordon (Abraham Sofaer) examining a crater filled with bubbling lava in Journey to the Center of Time, 1967

  On Creativity, Asinine Thoughts About:

  Without creativity, without life, then you are truly unable to go straight up the Devil’s ass, look him right in the face, smile, and survive.

  Nicolas Cage as a philosopher/TV repairman/stud in Zandalee, 1991

  On Critics, Overwrought:

  With you, sex and art go hand in hand. Sculptor … pagan … alleycat!

  Art critic (DeForest Kelley) to sculptor/tramp Susan Hayward in Where Love Has Gone, 1964

  On Crocodile Priestesses in Love:

  Jungle Kiss!! When she looked into his eyes, felt his arms around her—she was no longer Tura, mysterious white goddess of the jungle tribes—she was no longer the frozen-hearted high priestess under whose hypnotic spell the worshipers of the great crocodile god meekly bowed—she was a girl in love!

  SEE the ravening charge of the hundred sacred CROCODILES!

  Ad for Her Jungle Love, 1938

  On Crouch Bunnies, Tough Talk to:

  So if any of you crouch bunnies thinks that me and my men are going to go on protecting and serving the interests of amen snorters like you, you gotta start forking over the coin … right now!

  Detective (John Saxon) to a worried city council when asked about the horrible murders in town, in Blood Beach, 1981

  On Cult Leaders, Homey:

  Don’t you ever touch the sacrificial fluids … okeydokey?

  Psycho cult leader Sam Raimi to follower (played by his real-life brother) who was dipping his hands in a bucket of blood in Thou Shalt Not Kill … Except, 1987

  On Cute Female Assistants, Typically Dumb 1960s Variety:

  Female assistant: What makes you think they’re in that time co-ord … co-ord …

  Male scientist: Coordinate!

  Smart scientist in the time-travel laboratory helping his not-so-smart female assistant with that tough word “coordinate” in Journey to the Center of Time, 1967

  On Cuteness, Excessive:

  Boys, boys! Calm down! Haven’t you heard of the word “compromisation”?

  Ginger Spice (Geri Halliwell), being cute, in Spice World, 1997

  On Cutesy Orphans, Ones We’d Rather Not Meet:

  Goshers! Chow! Is sure smelling good, Mr. Dealey-Buddy! Is tasting good, too?

  Dondi (David Kory), the poor little Italian orphan boy, to David Janssen in Dondi, 1961

  On Cutting Off Male Organs, Key Points About:

  Surgeon: You realize that once we cut it off, it won’t grow back. I mean, it isn’t like hair or fingernails or toenails or nothing.

  Myron: What do you think I am, some kind of idiot? I
know that!

  John Carradine as the surgeon to Rex Reed as Myron, just before Myron’s sex change operation, in Myra Breckinridge, 1970

  D

  On Daddies, Dubious:

  Molly: Daddy, she says I bounce when I walk. Do I? Do I?

  Daddy: Heh, heh, heh. In a pleasant and unobjectionable way.

  Sandra Dee as Molly and Richard Egan as Daddy discussing Molly’s repressive mother in A Summer Place, 1959

  On Daddies, Dubious Drinking and Pill-Popping:

  Then he drives around with her in that van of his, drinking, taking pills—I’m sure he doesn’t think about putting a seat belt on her.

  Stripper Erin Grant (Demi Moore) worrying about her daughter’s safety with her ex in Striptease, 1996

  On Dads, Terrible Truth About:

  I worked for your father twelve years and it was just one long parade of poontang.

  Dad’s (Kirk Douglas’s) ex-maid telling it like it was to daughter Deborah Raffin in Once Is Not Enough, 1975

  On Dames, Space Driving and:

  Maybe space driving is easier for dizzy dames. There’s less traffic in outer space.

  Narrator in Italian import Sexy Proibitissimo, 1963

  On Dancers, Fishy:

  You look good. You move like a rainbow trout.

  Television producer (Phil Harris) to a dancer who is auditioning in The Cool Ones, 1967

  On Darkness, Dreadfully Descriptive:

  It’s as dark as the inside of a cow’s third stomach.

  Description of a dangerous cave in What Waits Below, 1985

  On Dates, Bad:

  Boy: She got lost in the pyramids. The mummy will have her for supper!

  Girl: Oh, the poor kid!

  Boy reporting his girlfriend is lost in the Mexican hinterlands in Wrestling Women vs. the Axtec [sic] Mummy, 1964

  On Dates, Fun:

  David (cutting fish): You know, there’re fish in the North Atlantic, species of ray, have genitals exactly like that of a woman’s. It’s a well-known fact that sailors and fishermen often have sex with them. What do you think of that?

  Dana (ripping open her shirt and exposing her breasts): What do you want? Tell me! What do you want to hear? I’ll tell you anything. You want me to feel something? You tell me what you want me to feel and I’ll feel it! What do you want? You want me to perform for you? You want me to … uh … act free and wild? You want me to dance naked? What else? You want me to be scared of you? Do you want me to freak out!? Are you happy now? Am I f—ed up enough for you? Oh, but maybe, it’s my soul you want? Okay, let’s start with my secrets. What do you want to know? I hate myself. I can’t stand who I am. I don’t like being touched! I hate the feeling of a man inside me! Did I f—my boss?! Yes! I did!! Did I like it?! No! I didn’t!! Do I have orgasms?! NOOOO!!!! NEVER!!!!

  The kidnapper David (Patrick Bergin) having an interesting conversation with his conquest, the very tough Assistant District Attorney Dana (Sean Young), in Love Crimes, 1982

  On Dates in Outer Space, Typical:

  Moon girl (Lambda): I’d like going down to the beach best, stretching out on the sand. Just a boy and a girl together. And, and … maybe what you call a … Coke?

  Earth astronaut boy: You would? That’s what I’d like, too … with the right girl.

  Susan Morrow and William Phipps find a moment for interspatial love, in Cat Women of the Moon a.k.a. Rocket to the Moon, 1953

  On Daughters, a Little Weird:

  Gee, I hope nobody thinks we’re father and daughter. I hope they think you’re a dirty old man and I’m your broad.

  Deborah Raffin as the daughter to father Kirk Douglas, who is picking her up at the airport in Once Is Not Enough, 1975

  On the Dead Burying the Dead:

  Promise me, Brad. If we die, you won’t bury me here.

  Upset actress to actor in Demon Wind, 1990

  On the Dead, Deadness of:

  The dead look so terribly dead when they’re dead.

  Earnest young hero Tyrone Power in The Razor’s Edge, 1946

  On the Dead, Final Word on:

  TV reporter: Are they [the ghouls] slow-moving, chief?

  Sheriff: Yeah. They’re dead. They’re … all messed up.

  Night of the Living Dead, 1968

  On the Dead, Moving Problems of:

  I know he’s returned from the dead, but do you really think he’s moved back in?

  Detective questioning a psychic about the undead sicko they’re trying to deal with in The First Power, 1990

  THE STUPIDEST ROMANTIC SCENES

  A man, a woman, a sunset, and soft music welling up on the sound track. This is the stuff of romance on the silver screen.

  But all too often, at the very moment that the hero is gazing into the heroine’s eyes, her lips are trembling with desire, and the lush strings are reaching a crescendo—he opens his mouth and says his lines … and it’s bye-bye love, hello hysteria.

  Sometimes it’s a matter of a little too much—too much emoting, too much sighing, too much sticky sentiment. Other times, it’s a bizarre non sequitur or a completely inappropriate response. Still other times, it’s the juxtaposition of ostensible romantic dialogue just as a giant plastic leech is ravaging the countryside—something we suspect happens less often than depicted on screen—that makes the love scene ludicrous.

  However, whatever the reason for the inadvertent thud where tender emotion was intended, these moments of ridiculous romance are certainly provocative … and always entertaining.

  On Touching Moments, Literal:

  Mickey Rourke: I had a father for a while. When he disappeared, I barely spoke for years. I stayed in the third grade a long time.

  Carré Otis (unbuttoning her blouse): Just reach out and touch me.

  Mickey Rourke, as a Harley-riding billionaire, and Carré Otis as his sensitive attorney in Wild Orchid, 1990

  On Romance, Slimy:

  When I’m sitting here with you, I don’t even think about slime people.…

  Hero to heroine in The Slime People, 1962

  On Love Scenes, Annoying:

  Sergeant Brett: You’re the sweetest poison that ever got into a man’s blood! I love you! I want you! … Listen, you little wildcat, you’re the only real thing that’s ever happened to me. And nobody, nothing could ever make me let you go.

  Louvette the half-breed: I love you so terrible bad, I feel good.… My heart sings like a bird!

  Robert Preston and Paulette Goddard in North West Mounted Police, 1940

  On Dead, Partly and Completely:

  Maybe I didn’t kill him completely dead.

  Willie (Brian Wimmer), the “normal” brother, after he and his subnormal sibling accidentally wound someone during a botched kidnapping in Late for Dinner, 1991

  On Death, Confusing Discussions of:

  If we wake up dead, we’ll know who to blame!

  Queen Nyla (Jennifer Delora) to a companion who wants to rest before going on with a dangerous journey in Robot Holocaust, 1987

  On Death Rays, Clever Things to Do with:

  I will calculate the spectrum dust in the calcinator death ray to counteract this antibiotic. And you will all be destroyed.

  The evil space creature Ro-Man, trying to figure out a way to get around serum Hu-Mans are taking to protect themselves from the calcinator death ray in Robot Monster, 1953

  On Death Rays, Girls’ Inability to Use:

  Astronaut 1: How could a bunch of women invent a gizmo like that?

  Astronaut 2: Even if they did, how could they aim it?

  Male astronauts who don’t think the girls on Venus can do it in Queen of Outer Space, 1958

  On Death, Unusual Problems with:

  It’s getting so it ain’t even safe to be dead!

  Worried grave digger observing the bomb-cratered graveyard in Return of the Vampire, 1943

  On Deductions, Sluggish:

  Now, maybe, just maybe, we’re dealing with a mutant form of slug here
, a kind that eats.… meat!

  Mike Brady (Michael Garfield), the health inspector, detailing his theory about the mayhem in town in Slugs, 1987

  On Defense Programs, the Cheese Problem and:

  Had we half the money that was appropriated for such worthy projects as cheese price supports, we would have had our ICBMs long ago!

  Irate scientist explaining some of life’s little problems to an army general in Rocket Attack, U.S.A., 1958

  On Democrats, Reasons for:

  They let ’em smoke and drive. They even put ’em in pants. And what do you get? A Democrat for president!

  Dirty old man complaining about the go-go chicks in Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!, 1966

  On Developing Your Assets:

  Mother, I know I don’t have any talent and I know all I have is a body, and I am doing my bust exercise.

  Jennifer (Sharon Tate) on the phone to her mother in Valley of the Dolls, 1967

  On Dialogue, Not Quite Oscar Caliber

  Sandra: Let’s find a gas station. I have to pee-pee.

  Jennie: Tinkle!

  Carole: Leak!

  Laurie: Piss!

  The girls (Lisa Hartman, Lorna Luft, and Lynn-Holly Johnson) teasing good-girl Sandra (Wendy Schaal), in Where the Boys Are ’84, 1984