Stupid Movie Lines Read online

  Tommy (Arch Hall, Jr.) to Roxy (Marilyn Manning) when she first tells him about the monster in Eegah!, 1963

  On Being a Member of the British Commonwealth, Benefits of:

  How can you do this to us? We’re Canadians!

  Father to his daughter’s stalker in Dead Beat, 1994

  On Being Mis-Led:

  Led Zeppelin was wrong, man. There is no stairway to heaven!

  Dead man to friend who hasn’t yet met the Grim Reaper (but will soon) in Soultaker, 1990

  On Biblical Dialogue That Fortunately Never Made the Bible:

  Jesus: What is your name, my friend?

  James the Younger: James. Little James. They call me “little” because I’m the youngest. What is your name?

  Jesus: Jesus.

  James: Ah, that’s a good name!

  Jesus: Thank you.

  The Greatest Story Ever Told, 1965

  On Big Breasts, Tricks with:

  Dweeb in bar: Hey, vodka rocks, what do you say you and me get nipple to nipple?

  Vodka rocks girl (looking at her large breasts): I can do that without you!

  Fascinating conversation in raunchy bar, observed by the incredibly cool new bouncer (Patrick Swayze) in Road House, 1989

  On Big Brothers, Freaky:

  A colossal freak, Major, and he’s my brother!

  Upset sister (Sally Fraser) talking about her sixty-foot-tall brother in War of the Colossal Beast, 1958

  On Big-Vocabulary Words, Helpful Movie Definitions of:

  His cells are growing at an accelerated—or speeded up—rate.

  Doctor explaining what’s happening in The Amazing Colossal Man, 1957

  On Big-Vocabulary Words, More Helpful Movie Definitions of:

  You’re describing schizophrenia, aren’t you? I knew there was something wrong with me. I had no idea it was—insanity!

  Joan Crawford coming to a big realization in Possessed, 1947

  On Bikers, Pesky:

  Adult delinquents. They steal things, they smell, they use foul language!

  Outraged mayor in town terrorized by hippie bikers in Devil’s Angels, 1967

  On Birds, Thoughtful:

  Boy, it’s so quiet out here you can hear the birds think!

  The Pilot (Mikel Conrad) in Untamed Women, 1952

  On Birds, Visionary:

  Jonathan’s parents: Son, this may not be the best life, but it’s all we know.

  Jonathan: There’s got to be more to life than fighting for fish heads!

  Jonathan the seagull to his parents in Jonathan Livingston Seagull, 1973

  On Birthdays, What Not to Do on:

  It’s my birthday and I don’t want to go to a mental hospital!

  Distraught heroine (Crystal Bernard) complaining to her mother in Slumber Party Massacre II, 1987

  On a Boy and His Dog, Sickening Moments:

  Lassie, my Lassie,

  I don’t know why,

  But, Lassie, I can’t say good-bye.

  You and me, we’re gonna be pals

  till we die.

  Song from The Magic of Lassie, 1978

  On Boy’s Best Friend:

  Quiet, Mr. Dog! They finding you here, they sending you back, then us both lonesome.

  Dondi (David Kory), the poor little Italian orphan, to his poor little dog in Dondi, 1961

  On Brains, Enticing:

  I could easily kill you now, but I’m determined to have your brain.

  Donald O’Brian in the title role in Dr. Butcher, M.D., 1979

  On Brains, Odoriferous:

  I know you’re in there, I can smell your brain.

  Ghoul to terrified girl in Return of the Living Dead, 1985

  On Brain Transplants, Bad:

  A Blood-Dripping Brain Transplant Turns a Maniac Into a Monster!

  Teaser line from Brain of Blood, 1971

  On Breasts, Dangerous:

  You make every woman in the world feel positively flat-chested. You’re a menace, that’s what you are!

  Young sexpot college student Tuesday Weld to older (and more curvaceous) head of the science department—and ex-stripper—Mamie Van Doren, in Sex Kittens Go to College, 1960

  On Breasts, Giving Up on:

  Oh, to hell with ’em! Let ’em droop!

  Jennifer (Sharon Tate), giving up her bust improvement exercises in Valley of the Dolls, 1967

  On Breasts, Up and Downing:

  You’re bad. You made my busts up and down.

  The Love That Is Wrong, 1993

  On Breasts, Utterly Useless:

  Boobies, boobies, boobies. Nothin’ but boobies. Who needs ’em? I did great without ’em!

  Neely O’Hara (Patty Duke), the formerly great starlet, in a drunken walk in the tenderloin district, in Valley of the Dolls, 1967

  On Broadway, Wholesome and Clean:

  They drummed you right out of Hollywood, so you came crawling back to Broadway. Well, Broadway doesn’t go for booze and dope!

  Susan Hayward as the Broadway star to Patty Duke as the Hollywood girl in Valley of the Dolls, 1967

  On Bummers, Big:

  Ever since Karen got killed it’s been a real drag.

  Teen party boy in The Horror of Party Beach, 1964

  On Bummers, Need to Avoid by Fasting:

  Blue Elk: If one has not fasted or purified oneself thoroughly—or if outsiders interfere—the spirit would be angry and make Billy sick or even take him away.

  Female student: You mean like when a kid’s tripping out, or on a real bummer?

  Wise Indian teaching a grateful young student in The Trial of Billy Jack, 1974

  On Bystanders, Snappy Questions from:

  You mean, they were murdered?

  Bystander to a cop, after seeing headless victims of the rampaging giant sea creature in The Monster of Piedras Blancas, 1958

  C

  On Caesarian Lines, Chilled:

  They Came … They Thawed … They Conquered …

  Ad line for The Chilling, 1989

  On Call Girls, Bad Moments for:

  What did you say his name was? Uh-huh … Ralph Singer, and he likes …

  What did you say his name was? That’s what I thought you said. Ralph Singer!

  Why, that big palooka!

  Rita the escort girl (Kathryn Keys) gets a phone call—and realizes it’s her husband, in Escort Girl, 1941

  On Canine Distinctions, Essential:

  Daughter: She has real wolves.

  Mom: I don’t want you touching those animals. They’re not like … dogs.

  Daughter (Rumer Willis) having a conversation with Mom (Demi Moore) about a not-very-favorite aunt in Striptease, 1996

  On Capitalists, Deep Dreams of:

  Corporation man: I want to do one small good thing before I die.

  Wife: Such as wallowing in that tramp?

  Corporate-guy-turned-freak Kirk Douglas and wife (Deborah Kerr), discussing his relationship with mistress Faye Dunaway in The Arrangement, 1969

  On Captain Kirk, Resemblances to:

  I know you! All the time horny!

  Oriental blackmailer to the emotionally disturbed ex-mental patient, William Shatner, in Impulse, 1974

  On Catchphrases, Corny:

  Well, shuck my corn!

  Sadie (Louise Fazenda), a denizen of Hillbillyland, in Swing Your Lady, 1938

  On Catchphrases, Ones that Thankfully Didn’t Catch on:

  Slurp my butt!

  Hudson Hawk (Bruce Willis) telling the boys from the Mob to get lost in Hudson Hawk, 1991

  On Cat Fights, Swampy:

  Bob: What can I do for you?

  Billie: Anything you like.

  Bob: What if I don’t like?

  Billie: You will.

  Vera: You dirty little dumb broad!

  Bob (Mike Connors), Billie Nardo (Jil Jarmyn), and Vera Nardo (Beverly Garland) in Swamp Women, 1955, advertised as “Flaming Passions! Weird Adventure!”

  On Chauffeurs, Possible Inter
view Questions for:

  Would you imagine me in the sack? In the hay? In the pit? That’s very apt, don’t you think? The snake pit. The writhings of snakes? F——ing like rattlesnakes. Do you like to f——, Ricky?

  Aging jet-setter Joan Collins to her new love toy and chauffeur, Ricky (Peter Wight), in The Bitch, 1979

  On Cheap Sex, Ultimate Word on:

  I’ve had it with cheap sex. It leaves me feeling cheap.

  Strip (John Travolta) talking to Lily Tomlin in Moment by Moment, 1978

  On Cheerleaders, Typically Soiled:

  Sheriff: We need a virgin.

  Debbie: An unsoiled maiden? You got to be kidding, man.… I’ve been a cheerleader for three years!

  Alisa Powell as Debbie the cheerleader in Satan’s Cheerleaders, 1977

  On Chick, the Beatnik Communications Officer:

  Bill: I’d feel a lot better if I knew what happened to Chick and the others.

  Tom: Why think about it? We all know what happened to him.

  Bill: He was a real offbeat character. But you couldn’t help likin’ the little schmo.

  Gregory Walcott and John Agar discussing their missing beatnik communications officer in the Korean War film Jet Attack, 1958

  On Chiropody, Very Bad Moments for:

  It’s too late for chiropody. The buzzards are already circling.

  Che Guevara (Omar Sharif), explaining to Fidel Castro (Jack Palance) why they don’t have time to fix the army’s blistered feet in Che!, 1969

  On Christmas Carols, Ones That Didn’t Catch On:

  You spell it S-a-n-t-a C-l-a-u-s,

  Hooray for Santy Claus!

  Hooray for Santy Claus!

  Yeah, yeah, for Santy Claus!

  He’s fat and round, but jumping jiminy,

  He can climb down any chimney.

  Why do we hear sleigh bells ring?

  Our hearts go ding-a-ling!

  Milton DeLugg and the Little Eskimos in the title song for Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, 1964

  On Christopher Columbus, Sleazy:

  She’s a fine vessel. Perhaps a bit top-heavy and too narrow of beam. [turning to his mistress and leering] Not unlike someone else I know!

  Georges Corraface in the super-bomb Christopher Columbus: The Discovery, 1992, starring Tom Selleck as King Ferdinand

  On Civilization, Good Points About:

  Professor Konrad: Perhaps this is a civilization that exists without sex.

  Lt. Larry Turner: You call that civilization?

  Professor Konrad: Frankly, no.

  Paul Birch and Patrick Waltz, Queen of Outer Space, 1958

  On the Classics, Beach Party Film-Style:

  DeeDee: The perfect boy doesn’t have to be a Hercules!

  Chorus: Hercules!

  DeeDee: The perfect boy doesn’t have to be Euripides!

  Chorus: Euripides!

  DeeDee (Annette Funicello) singin’ a song about her fantasy guy in How to Stuff a Wild Bikini, 1965

  On the Classics, Unclassy:

  Porthos: If you can name me one thing that is more sublime than the feel of a plump pink nipple between my lips, I’ll build you a new cathedral.

  Aramis: Forgiveness.

  Porthos: Forgiveness? [faaaaarrrt] Forgive me?

  Gerard Depardieu (Porthos) and Jeremy Irons (Aramis) establishing their characters at the beginning of The Man in the Iron Mask, 1998

  On Closing Lines, Thought-Provoking:

  My friends, you have seen this incident based on sworn testimony. Can you prove that it didn’t happen? Perhaps, on your way home, someone will tap you in the dark, and you will never know it, for they will be from Outer Space!

  Final ominous words in Plan 9 from Outer Space, 1959, delivered by the narrator Criswell (who was a well-known TV psychic)

  On Clothes Make the Beatnik:

  If I’d known we were going to a beatnik joint for coffee and word jazz, I’d have worn my tights.

  Sandra Dee in Portrait in Black, 1960, starring Lana Turner and Anthony Quinn

  On Cockpit Talk, Freudian:

  Last night I dreamed I was chased by a giant banana.

  First mate David Warner to pilots George Kennedy and Alain Delon in Concorde—Airport ’79, 1979

  On Cockpit Talk, Great Moments in:

  Stewardess: You pilots are such men!

  Pilot: They don’t call it the cockpit for nothing, honey!

  Sylvia Kristel and George Kennedy in Concorde—Airport ’79, 1979

  On Cockpit Talk, Intergalactic:

  Look, Helen, I have a very high regard for you: You’re smart and you have courage and you’re all woman.

  Kip the copilot (Victor Jory) to the navigatrix (Marie Windsor) in Cat Women of the Moon, 1954

  THE STUPIDEST MOVIE MONOLOGUE

  A stupid monologue is a masterpiece in stupid movie writing. Instead of relying on interplay between two characters, the writer of the stupid monologue must rely on the dramatic build-up … or lack thereof. Often what the monologue lacks in eloquent words, it makes up for in overwrought acting—making this a truly memorable film moment.

  When done successfully (which is to say, badly), these are monologues that far from achieving the level of Hamlet’s “To be or not to be” instead sink happily into a mire of overwritten muck and over-the-top hysteria. The cream of the crop go it one better by throwing in repetition, improvisation, and the requisite screaming of four-letter words.

  The following, the closing scene and supposed psychological climax of the film Tracks, meets these criteria. A wild-eyed Dennis Hopper, who is at the cemetery after escorting his dead Vietnam War buddy’s body cross-country by train, reaches the pinnacle (which is to say, the nadir) of stupid movie monologues.

  I love … I love … I love … I really love, I really do love, I really do love. I love, I love, I LOVE and I hate and I hate and I hate and HATE, and because I love, ’cause I love, I HATE ’cause I love, I HATE, ’CAUSE I LOVE, ’CAUSE I LOVE—YOU MOTHERF—ERS! YOU MOTHERF——ERSI … T.C.B., take care of business, T.C.B., take care of business.… Okay, okay, all right. Let’s cool it out here, you didn’t just be in the army for nothin’, mister. They send you to Nam, don’t they? They send you there. You don’t want to go to Nam. You don’t wanna go to Nam. I’ll take you to Nam. I’ll TAKE YOU TO NAM. You WANNA go to Nam? You WANNA go to Nam? YOU WANNA GO THERE? I’LL TAKE YOU THERE! I’LL.… [pause] You don’t wanna go to Nam, you don’t wanna go to Nam, I’ll take you to Nam, I’ll take you to Nam. YOU WANT TO GO TO NAM? YOU WANT TO GO TO NAM?

  Dennis Hopper as a Vietnam vet at the gravesite of his friend, yelling his lines as he jumps into the grave, opens the coffin, pulls a helmet, rifles, and ammo out of the coffin, then emerges—helmet on and two rifles in hand—as the frame freezes and credits roll, in Tracks, 1976

  On Cockpit Talk, Swingin’:

  Bill: You see? Such is life in Uncle Sam’s air force!

  Chick: With wings you swing. Without a pair you’re nowhere.

  Bill: You know, I think I understand that!

  Gregory Walcott (Bill) to his beatnik communications officer “Chick” in the Korean War film Jet Attack, 1958

  On Colossi, Sexy:

  SEE a female colossus … her mountainous torso, skyscraper limbs, giant desires!

  Ad for Attack of the 50 Foot Woman, 1958

  On Comebacks, Biting:

  Brooke (holding up her black lace panties): You must want me to put these on?

  Tim: I can’t bite them off if you don’t!

  Kim Cattrall as the boss’s wife and Rob Lowe in Masquerade, 1988

  On Comebacks, Timeless Clichéd:

  Girl 1: You could time that heap with an hourglass.

  Girl 2: Did someone mention my figure?

  Go-go girl (Tura Satana) making fun of innocent Susan Bernard’s boyfriend’s car in Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!, 1966

  On Come-ons, Agricultural:

  I always knew sex was corny, but I never knew cor
n was so sexy!

  Pilot to farm gal in Starfighters, 1964

  On Come-ons, Country Gal Style:

  Don’t it get lonely out here? Or is milking that cow good enough for you?

  Pia Zadora as the sexy jailbait to Stacy Keach in Butterfly, 1981

  On Come-ons, Damp:

  Cynthia: Hey! You’re all wet! I saw you last night at the Crazy Club … you were great! You’re cute!

  Mike: Naw, you’re cute!

  Elvis Presley (Mike) and Shelley Fabares (Cynthia) in Spinout, 1966

  On Come-ons, Limp:

  Man: You have a very soft body.

  Woman: Soft? I work out two hours a day to keep it firm!

  Man: You have very soft skin over a very firm body.

  Young man trying to seduce Loni Anderson in Three on a Date, 1978

  On Come-ons, Monstrous:

  Your puritan upbringing holds you back from my monsters, but it certainly hasn’t hurt your art of kissing.

  Horror writer to woman in Orgy of the Dead, 1965

  On Come-ons, Slick:

  If you ever decide to swim the Channel, I’d like to handle the grease job!

  Bad guy Tony (Robert Wagner) ogling Holly (Debbie Reynolds), before he becomes a good guy in Say One for Me, 1959